Wednesday, October 13, 2010

mix of emotions.

it's funny to think about when i started this blog i had no idea what i was doing- and i still really don't. but it's been fun to get the hang of it and share thoughts and things i learn.... and i love when blogging counts as homework.

so i turned 21! finally, no really... finally. my friends were convinced it would never happen, i mean i am a senior in college. sometimes birthdays have expectations that come with it. when i was little i had high expectations for them. and my 16th birthday was awesome when my best friend through me a surprise party. but i think as i've gotten older, those expectations have changed and it's been good. i don't need gifts. i don't even really need cake (although this year bradley made me a bangin' cake). it's just fun to feel loved. and boy, did i feel loved. i've always said my love language is time spent, but words of affirmation is coming in close 2nd. i'm blown away that people spend time baking for me, come over to say hi, will cook me dinner, will come get dessert with me instead of studying... it really is an act of love. we hold our time so tightly, that when someone chooses to spend it with me, i'm loved. and i got so many awesome cards. from so many different people. and some of them made me cry. the kind thoughts, best wishes, thanksgiving for our friendship. it was such an encouragement to me, just when i needed some. thank you!

birthdays are also hard for me. my dad had his birthday 2 days before mine and yesterday, would have been my mom's 50th birthday. it's a week of celebrations in our family, but my heart also feels sadness. yesterday was a hard day for me. it's hard not having my mom here to celebrate birthdays, or wondering how it would've been different if she had been. and especially on her 50th birthday- what a big year for both of us. it makes me miss her. it sometimes makes me wish things were different. it sometimes makes me mad. but then i pray. i pray and trust that Jesus is good. and my mom is in Heaven. i can't wait for Heaven. to be honest, i'm not a fan of all the cheesy "she's looking down over you..." but i do have a part of her in me. she is part of who i am and as i grow up and change and experience life i do it with a part of her in me. i never thought i'd grow up without my mom; but it is part of my story. and i'm thankful for an eternal perspective on life. this is not the end all- i have a place, an eternity to look forward to because of Jesus. and if i didn't- man, would life suck.


  1. mix of emotions is right- even for me as a reader!
    i love you mucho and literally thank God that you are a (big) part of my life

  2. Happy belated birthday!

    I love reading your blog, it makes me stop and think. A much needed pause from life.