What a bittersweet day for me. Mostly bitter. It is so hard. If I am honest, today feels like a smack in the face all day long. On all forms of social media, I am reminded that today is the day to celebrate moms. (And we should.) But for everyone, that means something different. And for me, it is remembering especially today that my mom is not here. She is not here to call about whether my wedding invitations are perfect. Or just to say hi on the drive home from work. Or when I'm sad or ecstatic. Some days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like she really has been gone for 13 years. Gosh, more of my life has been lived without my mom than with her. That makes my heart hurt. And that my future husband will never know the woman who raised me or taught me the first things I can remember about my sweet Lord. It really does make me weep. And I think I've come to a place where I know this will continue to be hard and painful for every different season of my life. And I've learned that it is ok to let myself feel these emotions; pain, sadness, hurt. That is ok. I don't have to have it all together behind a smile. I can be real.
And I was reminded today during Church to remember God's faithfulness. And the thing that makes me feel joy today in the midst of sorrow, is that I am not alone. Thank God I am not alone. I have friends all over the country who love me exactly for who I am. A dad who raised two girls by himself. A fiance who seeks to understand me. And older women who love me like cousins, aunts, my Godmother, friends moms, teachers, and my future mother in law. But, today the pain stings.
Psalm 30:5 "weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."
A favorite picture